Well I’ve been back from Oregon for a week officially now. My girls are growing up so quickly. I can hardly believe Rosie is 5! I can hardly believe that Sophie has been here for 5… almost 6 months! It’s crazy. I am so excited that I am an auntie of so many. I wish that I was able to see the other kids more often. I wish their parents would send me photos and that I got to hangout with them when I came to visit. I miss the kids most. They are so wonderful to be around. I love hanging out with each of them. And I hate not having enough time to hangout with each and everyone of them. I wish I had a decent job and I could be a better auntie but as for now that’s just not the way the cards have been dealt. Someday I know things will be easier.
My trip in Oregon was busy. I spent a great portion of my time with Angel and the girls. It was really nice being able to spend time with them. I also got to see some of my other nieces and nephews at Rosie’s 5th Birthday. Ahhh I could have hugged them forever. At this stage they are still forgiving. I got to see Domi again. We hungout for lunch. It’s good to see her so happy and to catch up. I also hung out with Jacquee a little. Wish that she would have had time off but I just missed her spring break so I didn’t get as much time with her as I would have liked. And before I knew it my visit was over.
Before I knew it I was back in the Seattle Airport waiting for my plane to board. Getting through security was tighter than normal but it wasn’t as horrible as people were saying. I waited and then I boarded. When I sat down a nice Doctor was beside me. I didn’t know he was a doctor at first but he seemed very interesting. It may have been my love for the study of the brain and his book about neurons that made him interesting. I was nervous but I asked him about his book anyway. I don’t know why I’ve been so shy lately. My old self would have struck up a conversation immediately with anyone who was next to me. Well once I mustered up the courage to ask about his book I found out we had a bit in common. Some other man came along and the nice Doctor had accidently sat in his seat. The nice man let the good Doctor stay so we could continue to converse. It was a nice flight with a nice conversation.
Jay and I had talked about the possibility of school before I met the nice doctor but my research on the topic had overwhelmed me. I do not have research experience so getting into a clinical program looked next to impossible. It still kind of does. The nice Doctor had suggested that I look into occupational therapy and so I have been. But I’ve also been looking into speech therapy and other avenues as well. I’m not sure I’ll ever go back to school. I’m not sure I’m as cerebral as I once was. But I have been re-teaching myself algebra and vocabulary for fun. I never thought I could like math but I am kind of starting to enjoy it. I always thought I was bad at it. The truth is that I over think it… and I complicated math. It’s not as complicated as I make it. Regardless I’ve made a game out of it and I have been enjoying my “math” time. I’ve also made it a priority to play fewer regular games on my phone. Many of them I have replaced with math games, vocabulary games, and anatomy games. They are challenging and thrilling in their own ways. Much to my surprise I like playing with words and numbers.
As for everything else it’s been pretty normal. I need to get back into the swing of things and start my walking routine again. I’d like to do a cleanse and maybe cut down on my sugars and starches but who knows if I’ll actually find the motivation to do it. We’ll see.
Here I am in Oregon and I am experiencing the things that I miss as well as the things that I don’t. I miss my family. I do not miss the mind chilling weather. I have had an exciting and exhausting week so far. It’s hard traveling without Jay, especially for this long. It’s just hard.
I have realized a lot of changes in my energy since I have been back. I am constantly exhausted. I attribute this to weight gain. It’s hard for me to understand how I let myself get this out of control. I feel ashamed that my fat jeans are my new skinny jeans. I just feel sad that I can’t move like I used to. I am so out of shape and so unhealthy that I can hardly keep up with the kids as I could just four months ago. It’s harder to breathe when I walk and my knees feel the extra weight as well. I feel ten years older than I am. This can’t keep going on. Many people say to just accept it and buy the bigger jean size. I feel like that’s the wrong answer. I feel like that is the easy way out. Don’t they understand what all if this is doing to my heart? My lungs? My knees? My ankles? My circulation? Diabetes is likely to happen since my whole family is dealing with it. Getting used to it is a horrible option. I am not going to tell others that they need to lose weight or try to force them into it, just like I am not going to tell a smoker that they need to quit their habit. Health is a habit and I’ve made being unhealthy my habit. It makes me makes me feel defeated. I feel like I have lost control of taking care of my body and that i’m at a crossroad. I also know I can’t do this alone. I need a lot of help. And I don’t know where to start. I just know this has to change.
“And possibly, the remedy
Is a dose of apathy” -Relient K
I opened the document leading to my ramblings, the ramblings of a book that I’ve promised myself to finish. There are two now. Two starts to two books. Writers block comes and goes. Pages and pages of fragmented stories. I’m not sure how to continue. I start focusing on these tiny little details. I need to just let go and write. Fix the tiny details later. But my tunnel vision gets the best of me. There has to be a cure for this kind of writers block. Focus on the wrong things, the wrong details, the small things, instead of the big picture. When I was younger writing was so natural. Finishing a story was so easy. Now that I’m older my thoughts wander off. I wonder if I’ve lost my touch with words. Perhaps my talent has dwindled. Perhaps. Perhaps not. Perhaps I just need to clear my mind. It’s so clouded lately. Under my cloud covered mind has to lye a line of electrical transmission transferring into something more than just a beginning of a story. Something more solid, something more substantial, something that really shows what I’m made of. I know that it must still be inside me. I need to find a way to clear my mind so that the story can start flowing again. But there are a lot of things that need to change.
Change is hard, especially when you have no idea where to start. The message in church today was that if we didn’t like the way that our life was going then we needed to change our minds. I realize that I need to change a lot of things. But I also realize I’m not sure where to start. Truth is that I’m homesick and want nothing more than to have a home close to home. But that’s the least of it, my biggest, ugliest problem is that I can’t stand how much I’ve let myself go. I read this article the other day that said women hate taking pictures because of their weight. It suggested that we, as women, learn to be okay with the fact that we’ve gained weight. But I’m not. I can’t stand the way that I look in photos or in the mirror. I hardly recognize myself. I try not to look in the mirror and recent photos make me feel even more insecure. I honestly think the only way to “change my mind” is to somehow start working on it. I hate running because my knees hurt beyond any explanation. Walking is beyond boring. And there isn’t space for anything else. But I miss my body. I miss taekwondo. I know walking is a start but I honestly hate being bored to death. I know that I can do it… but I don’t know how long I will stick with it. I miss the class setting… and how many calories I burned. And how exciting it was to kick the bag. I just miss it. But it’s not an option so I have to try something else. I miss cute cloths and being able to look in the mirror without shame. I know that now is the time to start. But I also need some kind of schedule. Perhaps it’s time to start making one. Something has to change. I have to change. My body has never felt this weak, this fatigue, this short of breath, or this inferior. So it’s time.